I’m Having Sex With Mutant Armpit Bacteria! Or, I Want To Be A Famous Blogger

Monday, October 20th

I’m not actually having sex with mutant armpit bacteria. I do, however, want to be a famous blogger. And, I think I’ve figured out a trick to get me into the international blogging spotlight!

You, dear readers, seem to love nothing more than sex and my poor hygiene. My number one most-read post of all-time is headlined “I Am A Slut”, followed next by “My Armpits Are Taken Over By Mutant Bacteria” (remember that fun episode?). That second one induced a couple of you to write emails of deep concern for my health (a fair response, really), but I think for the most part you just like to revel in my scandal and filth.

So, my first strategy towards famous-bloggerdom is to write exceedingly perverse and crusty headlines to lure you in.

However, the second part of my strategy involves you.

I need each and every one of you to brainstorm the well-connected, famous, influential people who are the extended cousins of your friend from high school’s mom’s girlfriend and send them links to my blog! Get on whatever social media nonsense these kids are going off about these days and blast it from there!

This is a very, very, important plan, because as you know I’m trying very desperately to avoid ever having a real job, and you should care because I’m sure you’ll be disappointed if my posts began to delve into the drama of making caramel frappe-lattes for people earning ten times more money than me rather than the sad state of my personal hygiene. And/or, you can sponsor me for the low low cost of about $400 a month, which is enough to pay for my illegal residence and buy the foods I can’t find in the trash.

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