Day 82 — Running From Me

Sunday, June 1st 11:02

I stood half-naked, surveying the jagged black moonscape and savoring the wild freedom pumping through my body. I was tripping hard at Craters of the Moon National Park. The rocks around me seemed to pulsate with their own lives, and each tiny feature contained a world of life and detail. 

My last few days in Boise were almost unbearably emotional, both in good and bad ways. I shared beautiful space with my friend and her partner, but the sweetheart I was staying with was having a really hard time showing affection and was struggling with intense heartbreak. I tore myself away from the darkness and spent several nights playing music on the street corners with a new musician friend. One of those nights we went to dinner with a stranger who stopped to listen, then made up silly song lyrics and giggled together the rest of the evening. The music was wonderfully healing.

Spontaneously on one of my last days in town I proposed a caping trip to Crater of the Moon, an attempt to run away from my loneliness and escape into the natural world. My partner agreed and within the hour my bags were packed and we were on the road. 

The trip was powerful. I spent much of the time dragging up traumas from past relationships I thought I had buried long ago, and crying them all out. I was terrified, and could barely give voice to the insecurities shaking my body as I cried, but eventually it all came rushing out in an appropriately volcanic outburst of self-hatred and doubt. Once it was out there it was gone from my body, and all night my sweetheart and I ran around and played and danced among the rocks. The next morning he dropped my off on the on-ramp and I set out on the next chapter of my adventure.

I caught a ride to Utah, and then almost immediately found a semi truck driver heading all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska, the next chapter in my project. He was an Indian Canadian, and his English wasn’t so good, but we were friends quickly, and he fed me Indian food and paid for my first ever truck stop shower! I spent that first night on the floor of his truck, and then finally landed in Nebraska. 

Today I spent planting corn with BOLD Nebraska and the Ponca Nation, which you’ll soon be able to read about at fuelingdissent.org.

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