Day 77

Tuesday, May 27 5:24p.m.

Boise is definitely a healing place, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that all the problems in the world don’t just disintegrate overnight because I’m in a place I love with people I love.

In fact, my time in Boise has been a bit of a roller coaster. I first came to Boise to heal from a knee injury while on a bike trip. During my two week stay I fell madly in love, got my first tattoo, stayed in a punk house for the first time, learned about gender neutrality. Ever since Boise has been a gravitational force for my heart. 

Two months ago I came through Boise again, and my visit was no less transformative. I had been in touch with some friends from Boise, and in particular had gotten close to someone who is now one of my closest friends, talking on the phone and working through some serious emotional turmoil together. Seeing her was amazing, and for the first time, I started to develop a crush on a female person. I also reconnected with her partner, and he and I ended up falling in love in an instant (a particularly memorable instant, holding each other in the midst of mounds of delicious trash food). The three of us spent the week swooning together.

But the two of them have a long, troubled history. He is an alcoholic, and after two years, their relationship ended when he got violent with her while drunk. She left him in Mexico and came back home to gather her life together again. He was tortured over what he’d done, and ended up getting sober while biking through Mexico, and is on a path toward healing. They started seeing each other again when he returned, which was when I came back into their lives.

But the relationship didn’t work out. They broke up several weeks ago, and he has been fighting to stay sober, struggling with depression and also with leaving bed. Now that I’m here again, it is really difficult to navigate the boundaries of their lives, while still loving both of them so much. Dealing so intimately with other people’s breakups has thus far been the worst part of polyamory for me. 

Healing has definitely happened. My time with my friend has been beautiful, and I’ve been flushed with endorphins just being around her and her partner. Staying with him has also been really helpful. A few nights ago I finally was able to express all the darkness that has consumed be for the past couple weeks, and we stayed up till 6a.m. just crying our eyes out. 

It is actually really hard for me to cry. As I mentioned in my last post, I tend to magically bring others to tears. I spend a lot of time supporting other people through emotional turmoil, and I also have no problem saying out loud how I feel, but I need a lot of probing to really express the sadness I feel, and not many people are willing to probe. Being able to cry out all those feelings was indescribably helpful for me, but for several days afterward I was just completely drained.

Finally last night I pulled myself out of it. I went busking with a beautiful musician and borrowed a violin. We met some other musical folks and jammed in a parking lot with guitar, trumpet, and violin expanding to fill every corner and crevice. It sounded beautiful. This morning I pulled myself out of bed, cleaned the kitchen, and then ran up into the hills to look out over Boise and read about Aldous Huxley’s mescalin trip. A fox passed right by me, closer than I’ve ever seen one. 

I feel like I’m finally getting a grip on what I need in my life, how to take care of myself, how to communicate my feelings, but it’s such a lifelong struggle. What is clear is that it’s time for me to be back on the pipeline trail. In a couple days I’ll be heading east to Nebraska, to start writing about resistance there.

At the same time, I’m beginning to plan my tour with this beautiful musician I fell in love with back home. Do you guys like love stories? I love love stories, so sometime I’ll write about that. The point is, I’m insanely excited! We’re going to be in Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Illinois, West Virginia, Kentucky, Missouri, Nebraska, South Dakota, Idaho, Utah, so if you have venues and want a folk punk band to play there, let me know!! 

Really though, do you guys like love stories? I’m constantly blown away that people read this blog. I never really know how to react when people tell me they like it/find it engaging/etc, because I don’t think I would ever read this if I were another person, but I guess that’s because it’s my life so it’s not unusual/surprising to me. Anyway. Thanks for reading. I’m tremendously flattered. So much so that I’m afraid of over-nourishing my ego. 

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3 thoughts on “Day 77

  1. Thank you for sharing your music and story tonight. It was a wonderful experience. When you get to Portland let me know.

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  2. “To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget. ” – Arundhati Roy” 

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  3. Finally catching up with you again. Just saw Gasland, Part II (film) and it was SO depressing. The world needs people like you – out there telling the truth about Fracking – even though it feels to me like we’ve already lost.

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